Log in

26 November 2009 @ 10:39 pm
wow. words really cant explain how much my breath is taken away. i am so happy its ridiculous. i feel complete and for the first time in a very long time, there's no emptiness in my life whatsoever. she has filled every emptiness i have ever known. just, wow. this is what happiness really is!
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
03 November 2009 @ 09:57 am
grrr i need to go run errands but i'm scared of my water breaking in public lol call me crazy but thats happened in my dreams several times now!! and i have to go to like... 6 places.. and walking helps put you into labor anyway and... not like i dont wanna go into labor but... okay. someone needs to come with me to run my errands that'll solve my problem lol mark just went to sleep at 8:30 so i really dont want to wake him up lol i misssss him though ugh..  i can bring michelle with me! she is always up for hanging out with me woohoo. riley loves country music, every time it comes on he smiles and starts laughing and kicking his legs and stuff. he is definitely a member of our family lol aubrey has 2 pairs of boots now hehehe.. pink ones and brown ones. she gonna be stylin!! my mom asked me to make my christmas list haha, it says.. hair done, gym membership, 6 months of tanning, teeth bleached, and clothes. she looked at it and told me i was getting materialistic, just like her.. hahaha. i have gained 2 pounds through the pregnancy and dr murphy says aubrey is about 6 right now, so in all actuality, i have lost weight and she said will be much smaller after the pregnancy. and its true that i have gotten a major attitude, but you know what, i like it. i wont have any more assholes walk all over me. its a new me and its freakin awesome. so in other words, because of being pregnant, i'm gonna look better, it motivated me to get back in school to have a career, and i'm a stronger person. and the person who got me pregnant doesnt get to have me. hahaha, he made me better, and i realize i can do much better than a 35 yr old with nobody really knows how many kids that works in a restaurant. wow, wtf was wrong with me.. lol its funny how everything happens. blessings in disguise. i laugh now, literally laugh, every time i think about wade, and compare him to mark LOL WOW! mark is tall, gorgeous eyes and blondish hair, built built built omg i love his arms. drives a big ol truck and is a damn country boy, literally from the sticks in virginia, with a career and makes good money, no kids never been married.. like WHY didnt i see it before! and he has a major attitude too, i think thats where i've picked it up from. because i hear him on the phone and he has no filter whatsoever lol he says whatever comes to his mind first. i need someone like that in my life. not sayin it'll last forever because aubrey, my family, and school have to come first, but you never know.. i'm stoked as to whats gonna happen in the next 6 months, i am so excited. even my doctor says, wow, your baby turned, blood pressure is completely normal.. did you get rid of some of your stress or what? i looked at her and laughed and said "you have NO idea" lol people say i glow, i'm always laughing and in a good mood, not miserable because i'm fightin with stupid baby dad every day about something like, me texting my ex lol what a joke... when he was doing the same thing? what a damn hypocrite. i have never met a bigger liar in my life, he makes jordan look like a prince lol. and everyone from chilis still texts me or writes me on myspace telling me how much they hate wade, and say that he's a shitty and slow bartender, and that he has turned into such an asshole since i've left.. and thats not just casey saying that, that's at least 5-7 people. and NOW everyone is like "why did you almost settle for THAT? what did you ever even see in him? you can do SO much better" i'm like jeez guys thanks, why didnt you slap me before this ever happened so i would have maybe seen it lol casey is the only one besides my family and mark that told me what a loser he was.. but trust that i have definitely learned and that i have no desire to ever speak to him again, i dont miss him at all, never once cried over him. it kinda hit me at once that i was about to settle. thank god i opened my eyeballs before any of that happened lol. woooo time to get ready and go out!!! :]
01 November 2009 @ 05:04 pm
hahahaha. i just read through my entries from a few months ago. i suddenly feel smarter. i was saying all along, all those months ago, that i knew wade would be exactly how he really is! and the funny thing is, i AM painting again, i AM writing again. because i AM happy again. and what did i say? "mark is the one that's there for me all the time" or "i'm on the phone with mark because i cant sleep". its surreal to me. that i am finally wiser and have a better insight on people than i ever have. there are huge things in the future, thats another thing i know. my mom is coming back out of retirement because she got offered a HUGE job, and in a way, it affects my future as well, in a good way. it's funny, i havent updated this journal in 17 weeks. in those 17 weeks, i did try and give wade another chance. basically for the baby. but no, he is still the same. still a liar and cheater. i know alot of people who have known him for years, and almost all of them told me he cheated on people and they know he did, and that he lies about everything, and those people were right. now, i am going to have a little girl. aubrey grace cantwell. i cant wait for her to be here. she will not have a father listed on her birth certificate. a few people told me to put mark, but i've decided against it. if we were married or talking about it, i would. but i'm still sticking to my guns on the fact that, i will not let my daughter get close to, or call any man daddy until i am engaged to the man and know that he will be her daddy for the rest of her life. i am very protective of her already. even with mark, and we have sat down and talked about this, i dont want him spending great deals of time with her unless we take things to the next level. i dont want aubrey seeing man after man coming into her life, and leaving. its not fair to her. it affects kids when their parents date someone and they get attached, and then they're gone. so. i'm stickin to it. life is good. its wonderful. and at this point, i couldnt ask for more :)
02 July 2009 @ 01:04 am
even though wade's been trying to talk to me again, i still know deep down, he's not gonna be the father of my lil girl. my gut doesnt lead me wrong!
25 June 2009 @ 10:49 pm
i got to spend all last night and today with myles.. the best kid ever. i love my nephew. he's preparing me for what it's gonna be like with my own kid :) and my other nephew, riley, is due to be born at anytime! my brother's wife went to the doctor and he said she's ready to go at anytime! i keep gettin this feeling about charlie. like he really isnt the right one. neither is wade for damn sure. mark is the only one that listens to me. really listens. i'm gonna end up being with him again one day, i know i will. i have to call off this flippin wedding!
24 June 2009 @ 11:05 am
going to orlando for some more shopping :) with my marky of course. one of my favorite people. him and i were talkin last night about the olden days.. my 21st birthday lol, and whatever happened to all our old pictures from back in the day. everyone says i'm gonna end up with him. i kinda laugh it off. i guess you do never know though. but another cop.. lol. better than the garbage that i ended up producing a child with a couple more months down the road. yuck. i will never love wade. that was a few months of straight up drunken stupidness. he isnt even cute and everyone thinks he is gay..
23 June 2009 @ 10:10 pm
"a daddy is someone who cares, who is always there. for mommy and me while i'm still inside her belly, who sees my pictures before i'm even born. daddy talks to mommy's belly, that's why i know his voice the moment i'm born."
-an unknown source

hahahahaha! what a damn joke! at this rate, the baby will know mark or charlie's voice, because they're the two guys i spend all my time with. i'm telling you i can see the future, and wade is not in mine OR my baby's!
21 June 2009 @ 07:08 am
i'm on the phone with mark because i can't sleep. yeeaahh.. time's actually kinda moving now. i remember when i was like 7 weeks pregnant and thinking this would never end. now i'm almost at 18, and 20 is the halfway point. i'm starting my 5th month already, so its definitely starting to feel real to me.. i'm trying to think a little bit further into the future, and i have already decided i wont want wade in this baby's life. how many kids does the freakin guy have? and when will he learn? never apparently. everyone keeps telling me its only june and things can still change, but i really dont see it happening. i dont want anything to do with him. ever since i started seeing him months back, i havent painted, drawn, written hardly at all in a book i started working on years ago. grrr.. i feel deprived. of all the things i love. and for what? i guess this is why the really religious people say sex should be saved for marriage. because you could end up getting pregnant to some loser that in all actuality, you dont even really know. yuck.
06 June 2009 @ 11:20 pm
i deleted all my old entries, about steven. goooood lord. i havent written in this journal in a damn year. time to start writing about this new chapter of my life :)
06 June 2009 @ 01:03 pm
true that!
Current Location: my bedroom.
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: keith urban - sweet thing