last night, i made one of those spur of the moment decisions, and i dont regret it at all. up and left with one of my friends in the middle of the night to daytona. i dont regret it, i actually felt alot better. i brought my journal (of course), so i figure i'll post what i wrote. ok, here it goes.
the sand feels nice underneath me. its been a while since i've seen the beach. i have my phone on silent, not answering calls or texts. i just wanna be. riding in the passengers seat of my friends car on my way here, i thought about alot of things. from the little stuff - like wondering if i should get my nails filled or just let them grow out, or if i like the smell of this new shampoo i switched to, whether or not i should roll my window up so my hair doesnt get destroyed, or leave it down to feel the air in my face (i left it down - screw my hair). then theres the bigger, and more important issues - my family; especially dad, school, my relationship. life is a roller coaster for me, and my emotions take that ride most of the time. tonight was spur of the moment, after the huge incident at work, i knew i had to do something before i snapped. so, i texted my friend. my friend wanted to go to daytona too. i dont think we spoke 5 words the whole way here. some people can just tell if you want to talk or not. obviously i didnt. i'm writing this on paper now, but i know when i get home, i'll just transfer it to my online journal. i wonder what time it is. i dont want to look. why do i sometimes get the stupidest things on my mind? like, why does everything has to have a point? why cant i do something just because i like it? such as painting. when is the last time i actually sat down and painted on canvas? when have i had the time to do that...or drawn a picture of something i like, instead of the stupid stuff my art teacher makes me draw? when was the last time i went out and did something fun with my boyfriend? hmmm. i dont remember. those things make me happy. how often does it seem like they happen? lately i've been feeling like my writing doesnt make sense, and maybe it doesnt. its because i'm a confused person. ok, lets get on the topic of my relationship. i love steven, i want to be with him, but why do i feel like i cant? when we're together, everything is great, we're happy. but, that rarely happens anymore. now, he could throw my own words back in my face, and tell me that its not about how much time we spend together. but right now, for me, it is. i need someone who can and will be there for me at all times, my emotions are in a fragile state. maybe it'll eliminate some of his stress if he isnt with me anyway...it sucks thinking that you're losing that person you really believe is the one you're meant to be with forever. i feel like i cant do it. sad, but true. i got in a huge fight with my brother at work. now i dont want to ever go back there again. i hate it when people try to belittle me by yelling at me. i dont handle being yelled at very well at all. i cry every time. and every time someone yells at me, i picture jordans face, and how i felt when he did it, and all the years i put up with it. so in my time sitting here in the sand, i've decided that i have to be perfect, that my brother pisses me off, and that i seriously am thinking about breaking up with steven, not because i want to though, and even though i know i'll be really miserable without him. i'm not thinking straight. scratch everything i just said...... .....the end.
and, i probably wasnt thinking straight. because i'm not leaving steven, he makes me happy and i love him. why should i let a good thing go? my emotions are just very (excuse my language) fucked up right now. i know that and he knows that, and hopefully he'll just work with me here. oh, and i;ve invested in something valuable, tylenol pm. yes, i will finally sleep at night again. i need that shit, everyone knows i dont sleep. and right now, i am soooo tired. got home about 4, woke up at 8, to pick kelsey up because we had a video visitation thing with brittanie this morning. she cried, i felt so bad, i cried with her. then we went back to her house, i went to school just to find out that class was cancelled, stopped by the art store, sat at the pond at the end of my street for a while, and now here i am. getting ready to go to work, with my brother. great.
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